Do you feel like you have the same argument with your partner over and over? Maybe the context or particulars change but the essence of the argument feels the same? Can you predict the outcome of the argument before it even gets going? Have you gone to couple’s therapy to learn better communication skills only to have the skills fly out the window once your familiar argument ramps up? You are not alone - and Relational Life Therapy can help!
Relational Life therapy (RLT) is a model developed by an American family therapist named Terrance Real. RLT views relationship discord not just as a communication problem but as a problematic pattern of relating to each other. When couples have a “rinse and repeat” argument, they are engaged in a series of relational moves that lead them away from connection and problem solving and towards disconnection and isolation. RLT views this pattern as the shared enemy of the couple and the target of the therapy.
When we get caught up in an argument with our partner, we often get a rush of emotion that feels quick and intense. When this feeling arrives, we step out of the part of our brain that is flexible, compassionate, warm, and curious, and into a part of our brain that is rigid, reactive, black-and-white, and self-protective. When we are operating from this rigid part of our brain, it is difficult to stay open to our partner and use communication skills that require flexibility, kindness, and trust.
Here is the GOOD NEWS! We can learn to notice when we are operating in this unhelpful part of our brain and shift to a more helpful part. When we take the first steps of shifting to this more flexible part of our brain, we immediately start to shift the unhelpful pattern we are in. And when the pattern shifts even a little, you and your partner have the much-needed space to insert different communication skills and grow a more effective pattern- even in those tough, painful times that are part of an intimate relationship. Now you can address problems while still maintaining connection and warmth towards yourself, your partner, and your relationship!
If you are interested and want to learn more, we recommend the following books/audio books by Terrance Real:
Fierce Intimacy
Us
The New Rules of Marriage
If you and your partner are looking for some relationship help, consider giving RLT a try. Contact Southport Psychology to be connected with one of our RLT therapists.
Comments